Dear Jeremiah Wright

Dear Dr. Wright:

Really? I mean, really?! Seriously, dude?!? How does one seemingly innocuous, older gentleman get his head stuck that far up his ass? That's gotta hurt or, at the very least, take some major talent on your part. I don't need or even want to know about that kind of creativity. You are in a league all your own, man, and the details are unbecoming.

Listen, Barack is my main squeeze. I fell in love with his half-black ass when I saw the speech he gave at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, when lefties like me nominated that complete and useless tool, John Kerry. Quite frankly, until Barack Obama came along, I didn't even know that it was possible to feel some kind of naive hope for a politician. There is no question abounding here for Barack's supporters: Obama's unique brand of intelligence, charisma, and normalcy are propelling us usually jaded Americans into actually believing that someone with a relatively good heart (and, more importantly, a bona fide soul) can occupy the White House. Granted, this knock-down, drag-out between Obama and Hillary Clinton is pissing most of us off at this point, but we're in the middle of a historically significant race here, and many of us still think that this awesome guy can become the next President of the United States.

So why the hell are you intentionally fucking it up? What, the man doesn't have enough problems as it is? The way you play it, John McCain, Karl Rove, and the idiot press machine are simply kindling to the big ass bonfire you got goin' there. Hell, you might as well throw on some gasoline and Bill Clinton's racism card while you're at it. Also, not to be glib, but Michelle Obama is going to kick his ass if Barack starts smoking cigarettes again, and I'm sure you're making that increasingly more difficult by the hour.

I don't care about the speeches that you've given in the past. I got bored one day and researched most of the full transcripts of those "troubling" sermons that the media went all ape shit over (I have this mental image of Diane Sawyer texting Wolf Blitzer, and they're both all, OMFG!) and, I gotta say, I agree with you a good 80% of the time. Most of the stuff you said was dead-on, but I believe you have a slight anger management problem, mixed in with some fun delusional tendencies. Still, we all have our faults, and you are certainly entitled to your own opinion. Much to George W. Bush's chagrin, there is some free speech left in this country yet. So, ya know. You were just fine and dandy with me, even as late as last week.

But then you had to go and shout "Fire!" in a crowded theater, for no good reason. Wtf is that about? We were all sitting there watching the movie, and you're flailing around and causing a scene as if you can see some wicked flames, when the rest of can't even smell the smoke anymore. This, and this alone, makes me really, really not like you.

I have three theories about why you did this, and why you did it now:

1) Retirement is very boring for you.
2) You have some mental health issues.
3) Your ego is as huge as the motherfucking Grand Canyon.

Out of the three possible reasons why, I'm going with #3, with a bit of #1 and #2 thrown in for good measure. Sir, as a man of God, you must have heard somewhere down the line that EGO stands for Edging God Out. So, I implore you now, because Barack Obama's candidacy for president might (quite literally) depend upon it: get the hell out of the driver's seat and let the Big Man Upstairs drive the goddamned bus. You're swerving all over the road, you're about to crash, and the passengers in the back are frightened as all hell.

Thank you.

Very Sincerely,

A Middle-Aged White Woman in Colorado Who's Clearly Sick of Your Bullshit