The Church of Health

Quite frankly, I just didn't see this coming. I am still in shock about it. As it turns out, my very detailed, very thorough Course of Severe Action (CSA) has been going really, super well. Seriously. In particular, my diet and exercise plan is, in fact, working! I am losing poundage on a moment-by-moment basis! I have lost at least 5 pounds already! CHECK OUT MY ASS, BABY!

It is simply not like me to make a plan and then stick with it. I am infamous for my half-hearted attempts at trying to do somesuch shit, and then reneging half way through, only to never finish said shit. I could name a few of these momentous failures for you, but then my sheer ineptitude would overwhelm me and I'd cry.

So color me surprised, but not only do I enjoy working out now, but I look forward to it! I worked out 5 times last week, and 5 times the week before that! I have no clue where the real Steph has gone, but this imposter feels pretty good because of all those friggin' endorphins. They rule! Endorphins RULE! I wish I could go to the store and buy them for people, in bulk, like at Costco. I would then give them away as gifts, for extra-special occasions, such as an excellent flossing technique. Also, I would buy them for Mir.

In case you are interested, my methods are fairly simple and they are designed for someone who is on a budget (read: flat broke). First of all, I am one of those nutty people who can eat the same exact things over and over and over again. Until I get completely sick of them, which usually takes 3 weeks or so. It's like I fall in love with a certain food, we have a fling, and then I find out that the broccoli has been cheating on me with the carrots, so I toss that badass broccoli right out the window. (Or just back in the veggie tray - whichever.) Right now, I am having multiple love affairs with oranges, apples, grapes, watermelon, yogurt, and sugar snap peas. They are all aware that I am unfaithful to each and everyone of them. For meals, I just pare down what I would normally eat into smaller portions. I don't deny myself any of the food that I crave, because then, I just want it that much more. I'll take 2 bites out of a candy bar instead of eating the entire bar, which I'd call progress. I have stopped drinking Mt. Dew and Pepsi altogether (which was my lifeblood beforehand), and I now subsist on water and Coke Zero. For those of you who hate diet soda, like me, Coke Zero is THE BOMB! It's a completely tolerable, (duh) zero-calorie drink. BOOYAH!

I cannot afford a gym membership, so thank the Big Guy in the Sky that I live in Colorado, because it's sunny some 300 days of the year here. I walk for 45 minutes , and I could not do this without the motivation provided to me by my kickass tunes, which blare in my ears via headphones and my daughter's hijacked Barbie mp3 player. I make sure I walk fast enough to break a sweat, and when I get home, I do 5 minutes of abdominal crunches and 5 minutes of pear-lifting. Yes, that's right, pear-lifting. I had 2-pound weights floating around here at some point, but I cannot find them and I cannot be bothered to scour the house in search of them. So, instead, I lift 2 cans of 1-pound pears and call it good. I wasn't so sure that this method would work but, hey, whaddya know! My flabby upper arms are starting to get some tone.

The emotional part is always the trickiest for me, probably because I have the willpower of a gnat. No, what's smaller than a gnat? An amoeba. Yeah, me and the amoebas, we do lunch sometimes. But I wrote down a few dorky affirmations to say on a daily basis, and 2 of them keep roaming around my head all the time now. They help me to keep working out and keep dieting, but they also help me to do a lot of other life bullshit. These phrases are:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt

"Timing is everything." - Ihavenoclue

Ya know, people in diet articles and health-nut books are always saying stupid crap like, "I can't believe how much better I feel about myself!" But guess what, hippie chicks? It's fucking TRUE! Even for a bitter, semi-hardened, almost 40-something like me. I'm happier, I have more energy, I'm more productive, and I sleep better. Also, I have been known these days to actually crack a smile and, on occasion, even laugh. That's just crazy talk!

OK, I gotta go now. I had BK for lunch (first fast food in 3 weeks!), and I'm feeling the extreme need to feel the burn. FEEL THE BURN, BABY!

Is there some kind of 12-step program for endorphin addiction?