ohmyGOD!

Dear Senator Obama:

Ya know, I keep pretty damn current with all the hot and sweaty political news. I am nothing if not disgustingly informed, although some might argue that the word "informed" could easily be replaced with the word "obsessed". (Sadly, those people would not be wrong.) I usually check progressive websites many times per day, often to chuckle at some asinine thing John McCain said at a VFW fundraiser in BFE, Alabama. Then I read your response to his asinine comment, and I sigh and smile and swoon, and then I shout, "Atta boy, Barack! Atta boy!" And then you and I transport back in time to the 1950s to catch a double header at Wrigley Field, and eat hot dogs, but only because tofu dogs haven't been invented yet.

But I have spent the past two weeks immersed in a very emotional and horrible medical situation that required immediate attention. So please forgive me for the belated questioning: DUDE! WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT?!

Who the hell are you? Has a soul-sucking alien invaded your body? Did you and Hillary Clinton actually figure out the physics required to become one person? Or are you sick, too, and maybe have a case of Cheney on the brain? What is this, with the voting of the FISA bill? And the personal attack on General Wesley Clark? And the sudden devotion to Bush's wonderful faith-based initiatives? And the criticizing of MoveOn? And all of the other boneheaded crap you've said and done in the past two weeks? Does Michelle know about all of this bullshit? Where's Michelle?! I'M TELLING MICHELLE!

ohmyGOD, I'm wondering now if I wasn't completely wrong about you. I can't even believe I am saying/writing these words! I totally believed in you, man! Every cynical person I've talked with about politics, for the past 7 months at least, appears to have been right. I wanna be right! I don't want those clowns to be right! Because they were all (in sweet, soothing, condescending tones), "He's going to play the liberal card until the general election starts. And then he's going to move to the center, just like Al did, and John did. He is not the rock star that you think he is, Steph." And I was all, "You are so wrong! Ha ha ha, I laugh at you. Wrong! This guy is the real deal! Why do you have to be so negative about everything?" And then I would babble about positive energy and goodness and light, and What the &*%$# Do We Know? would somehow seep its hippie way into the conversation, so that I could in turn look down on them and, thusly, feel superior. As an American, one upsmanship is totally my right.

Barack, sweetie, let me spell this out for you: stop listening to the fools who keep telling you to "Move to the right! Move to the right!" You do not need them, because they could not be more wrong. How can you not see this? How can you not know this? It didn't work for Al Gore or John Kerry, and it ain't gonna work for you. (OK, technically, it did work for Al Gore, but that's another story.) In general, Democrats are really, super sick and tired of members of Congress who appear to be watered-down versions of Republicans. We do not need another pussy! We have enough pussies as elected officials! We do not need another idiotic Democratic candidate for president who is masquerading as a toned-down Republican. Next thing I know, you'll be chilling at NASCAR events and talking smack about gay marriage.

I am your base, Senator Obama. I feel betrayed and somewhat unhinged, but that could just be the aforementioned medical issue. But I really feel deceived by you. I am no longer sure that I can trust you. And you're going to have to win back that trust, sir. From what I gather, your base is pissed as fucking hell about all of this. I am one of those people, one of those funtastic "netroots" folks. Actually, this is one lesson that you should have learned from George W. Bush: do. not. piss. off. your. base. Ever. I am the bread to your butter, the cake to your ice cream, and the tequilla to your lime. We compliment each other, we go well together, and we look awesome in both ebony and ivory. C'mon, man. Don't wreck this Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney moment in time. And don't make me consider voting for Ralph Nader, or not voting at all, especially after my diatribe to Hillary supporters several weeks ago. I hate eating crow, because it tastes like total shit.

I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I thought that what we had was real. How could you do this to me? Please tell me that you love me. Please tell me that this is all a big misunderstanding.

Yours,
Steph