Separate Letters to the Edwardses

Dear John Edwards:

First of all, I would just like to say that I totally judge you. I'm sorry to admit that so heartily, but it's true. There's no point in denying it. It's not that I don't understand or empathize with you, because sadly, I have been where you are. It's not fun, it's not pretty, and it's not right. Cheating slowly eats away at your soul unlike anything else I've experienced before. That palpable guilt you feel? That's your conscience, kicking the hell out of your heart.

Since I am a member of the Cheaters' Club, I have absolutely no reason to go all St. Peter on you. While sneaking around on your woman isn't that cool, I really don't care what you do with your penis, as long as it doesn't come into contact with children or barnyard animals. As a voter, I mean, I just don't care. Two consenting adults having sex is just that: two consenting adults having sex. Big whoop, man. In my book, it's not even close to being on the same level as, say, killing millions of Iraqi citizens (and countless numbers of Afghani citizens) and thousands of American troops (and countless numbers of international troops). But I digress.

No no, my problem with you stems from another arena entirely. I think that you are what the folks who frequent Craigslist (including myself) all over the world refer to as a fucktard: someone so truly stupid that they are not to be believed. A fucktard's lack of critical thinking skills can only be described as awe-inspiring.

Dude. Were you not aware that, while you were banging Rielle Hunter, you were running for the highest elected office in this great land of ours? And if not, how is it that you were not aware? Also, were you not aware of the international, widespread pandemic (otherwise known as "The Mainstream Media", via the internet) sure to foil your plot to keep a mistress? I fail to understand this. Please explain. Your Nightline interview didn't do dick in adequately explaining such mind-boggling fucktardishness.

In addition, please cease and desist denying the obvious love child you fathered from your consistent shenanigans with Ms. Hunter. Anyone with half a brain can do the math here. Americans are not as stupid as you apparently think we are. Seriously, you have already screwed any credibility you gained over your years in the Senate and running for public office. You have already caused your wife, children, friends, extended family, and supporters immense and untold amounts pain. So why in fucking hell would you deny that you are this cute little kid's baby daddy? Are you shitting me? Now, you are not only a fucktard, but a douchebag as well.

If Al Franken wasn't running for a Senate seat in Minnesota right now, I'm fairly certain that he would call you to ask you these questions/relay these concerns himself. Maybe Michael Moore will do it in his place. Jon Stewart is probably all over this shit, but I don't have cable, so I don't know. I'm willing to bet money that Keith Olbermann has already busted a blood vessel in his forehead talking about you on Countdown.

Jesus Christ, John. WTF, OMG, LOL all around. Oh, yeah: good job making Obama's chances of getting elected that much harder. You go sit at the Jeremiah Wright Dunce Table, OK?

Spitballs and Hand Grenades,
Steph
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Dear Elizabeth Edwards:

Get down with your bad self. Your strength is amazing, and I cannot believe how awesome you are. You rule.

Some people want to paint you as a victim, or an enabler, or a behind-the-scenes power player. I think that you are none of the above. I think you're a mother and a wife who did her best to cope with a really awful situation. The reason that you have earned so much respect during your husband's last presidential campaign is because you stand up for yourself and speak your mind, but you do not try to hurt or impugn anyone else in the process. You will not go quietly into the night, and you will not demure, but you will not start shit unnecessarily. I love that about you, and I love that you keep doing that, and I love that you made a decision to stay with John because you feel that it's best for you and your family. It is your decision, and I respect it. It's your marriage, and your life, and I completely, totally respect that.

Also, I think your husband is insane because I have seen pictures of you back in the day and you were an absolute hottie! No woman, including Rielle, has anything on you, Elizabeth. You are wonderful. You are woman, I hear you roar.

Much Love and Aretha Franklin,
Steph

P.S. As a way of coping, I highly recommend making an Angry Woman's Mix on playlist.com. It could start with "It's a Shame" by Monie Love, have a few Alanis songs, maybe an Ani song or two, and end with Pink's "U + Ur Hand". Just a thought.