To All Hillary Clinton Supporters

Dear Fans of Mrs. Clinton:

Sometimes, I totally get where you are coming from. I think Chris Matthews is a putz, too. (Frankly, I am suspicious of people who like him in the first place.) The mainstream American media have been unduly hard on Hillary. They have this unabashed hatred for her that borders on something pathological, and it can be downright scary. The misogyny is everywhere, and you'd have to be an idiot not to see it. As a feminist, I am offended both for Hillary and for my gender. Tell me, yet again, why it matters so much that she doesn't have a penis? I will never understand this. And thanks to the truly brutal primary race between Hillary and Barack, I have almost zero respect for just about every male talking head on TV. If you were to rattle off their names in front of me, I would tell you about some perceived slight they stupidly uttered as evidence of their dislike of Hillary. And my dislike of them. And then steam would come out of my ears, I would grow horns and fangs, and breathe fire.

Ya know, back in the day, I loved Hillary. I was a mouthy 23-year-old the first time I saw her on television, and I thought, "Now there's a real woman!" She was strong and intelligent and supportive and thoughtful, and I wanted to be just like her. I remember the feeling I got when she asserted her now-famous "baking cookies" remark. I was all, "FUCK yeah! You go, girl!" I cannot recall any famous woman before her time who had such a profound affect on my life personally. I lived in Tennessee for three years during Bill Clinton's presidency, and while most of the folks in my age group detested her, I defended her at every turn and told them all that she was my idol. I wanted to be just like her. And it was true, then.

And then something happened. Politics happened. When she and Bill left the White House and moved to New York, I remember being confused and kinda pissed about some of the stuff she was saying during her first Senate race. The woman who I thought would never pander was, well, pandering. I get that every politician has to tow the line at some point, and make promises they have no intention of keeping just to get elected, but a lot of what she talked about went against the very principles of who I thought she was as a person. It freaked me out. In short order, it became clear to me: Hillary was never the leftist I thought she was. She was a centrist. Since I'm a proud lefty, this disappointed me and made me wonder how I'd been wrong all these years.

Once Hillary was elected to the Senate, I kept close track of her. Her early voting record made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. And then 9/11 hit, and the United States had a "WTF?!?" moment. For a good 3-4 years, our collective head was shoved quite firmly up our ass. But when she voted for the Iraq war, my time on Hillary's side came to a screeching halt. That was a deal-breaker for me. This woman who, for a long period in my life, was the epitome of feminism and progressive issues, fell from grace in my eyes. I think the reason that it was so gravely disappointing for me was because I really, truly believed in Hillary. And while there were very few senators who actually had the chutzpah to vote their conscience with regards to Iraq, I thought she would be one of them. At that moment, Hillary instantaneously morphed from beloved national figure to spineless hawk in the chaos that is my mind.

In the wide gap between 9/11 and the 2004 presidential election, I found something that I rely on to this day: alternative media. Thank you, oh thank you, internet! I no longer watch/listen to/have much regard for the mainstream media (referred to as "MSM" by alternative bloggers, independent papers, and international media alike) in this country and, as a direct result of getting information from other sources, I have since pieced together backstory about Hillary Clinton that sometimes makes me wince. It was quite disheartening at first, but it is what it is. Google is your friend, fellow Democrats, as is Salon, Common Dreams, The Huffington Post, etc. Anyway, my point is that I no longer have the '92 version/vision of Hillary Clinton roaming around my head.

I never understood John Kerry's appeal when he ran for Prez in '04. I was all, "Howard Dean! Howard Dean!", but then the MSM simply decided that Howard's speaking voice was a little too New England for them, and they quickly put an end to his race. But, ya know, what's the alternative here? That same fucking White House monkey for another 4 years? No, thank you. So I voted for Kerry. I was kinda mad about it, but I did it.

I distinctly remember the flavor of the '04 election: THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE! LET'S NOT BLOW IT, DEMOCRATS! All of these celebrities were stumping for John Kerry because 4 more years of Bush seemed absolutely unthinkable then. We were all biting our nails and seething with the insistence of change. I recall that we were pretty nervous because, no matter how many of us liberals were shouting from the rafters about an illegal war and civil liberties being a thing of the past, the tide had not yet turned within America in general. The tide was still in George W. Bush's favor. The MSM was still falling in line behind him, and so were many of the folks of this insane, whacked-out country.

Of course, we all know what happened next, Scott McClellan. 3 1/2 more years of Dubya have crippled the United States beyond anything most of us could imagine. The reality of our horrible situation is almost too much to bear, at least for me. The fall of Rome has begun, and I think we would all be hard-pressed to find one single, solitary person who still believes that all is well in the land of Oz. Bush supporters could probably lie to themselves about the state of "the world's last remaining superpower" for quite awhile, but during the past year, it seems that the country has finally woken up. You can't go a day or two right now without hearing about some ultra-damning revelation, book, admission, article, etc. trashing Bush Co. For those of us not under the influence of the MSM, it is extremely liberating, albeit almost laughable and, sadly, concerningly belated. I just saw a headline yesterday on Yahoo! that said something like, "Report says White House manufactured Iraq intel". I thought, "Huh. Well, I'm so glad you finally figured that out! Welcome to the party! But, alas, you're 6 years too late, guys. I don't think we can bring back the millions of Iraqis we've killed, much less our own soldiers. Way to be on the ball there."

The pendulum is swinging our way. The tide is turning, but in our favor. This country finally feels alive again, and probably for the first time since 9/11. But I am really, really pissed off that it's taken everyone so long to catch up. Where the fuck have the rest of you been, ya know? We totally needed you, MSM! We totally needed you, doormat Democrats in Congress! We totally needed you, yes YOU, true Republicans!

But, Hillary supporters, you already know this. You totally know this! You've probably known it for years, just like me. So, alternative media or not, you Clintonistas are far from stupid. We're all Democrats here; we party like it's 1999! You are not part of the them in which I speak.

Unless you are now planning on voting for John McCain, simply because Hillary Clinton lost in the primaries. Because then you are exactly the them of which I speak.

OK, cough it up, hippie. Give me your pipe, your bong, your needle, and your rolled-up dollar bill, you filthy Democrat. I don't need to remind you not to piss in the goddamned Kool Aid, do I? Websites have been formed, letters sent, protests waged, and all in the name of bringing to life an ultra-fun, Democrat-led Anti-Barack Obama Movement. Fine. Hate him with a fiery vengeance, if you want. Blame Obama supporters for hating on Clinton supporters, blah blah blah. This is a circular argument that will illicit no sympathy from me, an Obama supporter, who is sick and tired of hearing bullshit spewed from the Clinton camp about Obama. To say that the Democrats are deeply divided is way too obvious. That's not the main focus of this letter.

The focus is thus: DO NOT PISS IN THE GODDAMNED KOOL AID! I don't know how you need to spank your inner moppet in order to get over the loss of Hillary Clinton not becoming the first female Democrat ever to challenge a Republican for the (sometimes, although not lately, esteemed) job of President of the United States of America. But just spank that inner moppet, OK? Spank away, Spanky! You have until November, which seems like ages away. I will help you in any way I can, although I won't do anything disgusting or dishonest. Or anything having to do with variations on the word "spank".

And don't vote for McCain. Please. PLEASE! We need you! Don't be that stupid! My 7-year-old doesn't get what she wants sometimes, and drama ensues only when she feels like employing it. But other times, she handles it like a champ and keeps right on truckin'. Or, in her case, making a very long caravan with her Polly Pocket dolls.

Sometimes she grumbles, but grudgingly gives in and does it anyway.

Think John Kerry. Get a mental image of him right now. Remember how long it took him to respond after he'd been Swift Boated. Did you like that dude? Yeah? Me neither. But we voted for him because we had to. If you can take down your anger several notches from rage to grumbling, that's all you need to do.

McCain is a complete asshole. Voting for him is the equivalent of putting an ex-boyfriend's naked picture up on MySpace or Craigslist. Why would you do that, except for revenge? Which, by the way, reflects very badly on you and your character. It's just not who you want to be, fellow Democrat. And I know so because you are a Democrat. We want the same things! Truth, justice, and the American way! Also, healthcare for all would be nice.

I saw Hillary's concession speech on CNN a little while ago. I was impressed, for what seems like the thousandth time, by her strength. She was gracious. She was feisty. And she asked her supporters to throw their weight behind Barack now that she's out of the race. The crowd, in equal parts, applauded and booed. It was a cringe-worthy moment.

So, to those of you who applauded, thank you! You rock 'n roll, and me and Prince want your address so we can come celebrate what is sure to be a massive failure by the Republican Hate Machine come November. We will throw confetti and drink champagne and dance the night away, baby.

And to those of you who booed: I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry that the press made a mockery of your woman, and I know that I would feel the exact same way if my candidate of choice had lost. I am not saying that to be condescending or mean, or to hurt you. I am saying that because it's true. Like millions of Americans, I feel like there is simply too much at stake in the upcoming presidential election to really wrap my mind around. We only have one more shot, peeps, and if we get it wrong, we are going down. Fast. To hell in a handbasket. And yes, I honestly believe that. I'm sure most of you do, too.

Please take all the time you need, but just make sure you spank your inner moppet by the first week of November. Bring your questions and concerns to the table, and I know that my dude will answer them, because he needs you. We need you. John McBush knows this, too, and he's going to try to bring as many of you as he can over to The Dark Side. Even though Darth Vader looked really cool in black, Obi-Wan Kenobi won in the end.

Use the force, Luke! You can totally do this. Even if you need to grumble.